the wisdom of a full belly…

So, I begin again tomorrow.
It is always so easy to see clearly at the end of a day of eating whatever I want. When every craving has been satisfied and my belly is still full, I know with unwavering certainty that I must succeed tomorrow. I know that it is what I want and that I have the strength and determination to do it. I can imagine, with ease, walking away from every temptation. I ready my stack of affirmation cards that will help me through any rough patches with their brilliance, humor and wisdom. I have a list of distractions… things to do instead of eat. I have a generous allowance for online shopping if I need to treat myself to a non-food reward.
I will remember this feeling, I tell myself, of wishing I had just stayed on my plan today… of wondering what was so important that I would make the choice to eat that first cheat… of knowing that I will make a different choice tomorrow. I am even eager, at this point in the cycle, to meet that old dragon again and put up a fight and be victorious. As I write that I realize that for the past two days I haven’t even put up a fight at all.
It was really like, ‘there’s a dragon… somewhere, over there… oh well, I better make some toast…’ That bastard dragon didn’t even have to come out of his cave. Just a puff of smoke wafting in my direction and I laid down my weapons and, well, made toast.

So, what will be different about February 10th 2010? Hopefully a lot. I’ve danced this dance quite a bit in the past few months. Yes, for 30 years as well… but really consciously the past few months. And I’m gathering more information all the time.
For instance, I know with certainty that there will be a moment tomorrow when I will have to choose to stay on plan. There will be many many moments, but the first is the most critical. Each time I make the right choice I am strengthened. So, it is vital to get it right the first time.
I’ve tried to recover after an initial weakening and it is so much harder. I don’t believe I’ve ever succeeded at that. This morning I gave up so early, I tried inventing a new plan where I eat whatever I want early in the day and spend the majority of the day dieting. I still think that would work and result in loss more often than not. The problem is that I can’t do it. I can’t recover from a morning like that.

So, tomorrow when the first moment arises, I will fight back.
That’s all I can promise myself right now. But, I aim to fight hard and to win.

I have a plan.

neurofeedback

I’ve started using neurofeedback specifically for diet assistance.

I’ve been having a bear of a time getting going again after the holidays and a big part of it has been this constant urge to eat. Not hunger, but anxiety or OCD or something more like that.

So the other day, when I went for a neurofeedback session, I decided to try to focus on appetite and impulse control. That first day (friday the 1st) was the first good day I had dieting. Hmmmm….

a new year and already I’m ahead!

It’s really nice to start the new year and have a diet/fitness regime already good and started.

I’m just thinking how much my dad would like that. He was such a one for the New Years Resolution. YUCK!

For him, I believe it was another way to test himself. I would swear he started smoking more than once just to give it up again for New Years. Plus, he got to show us an example of self-dicipline. Poor dad. We never did follow his lead. Too much pressure…. but that is a tale for a different blog.

So, I am a week into 2010 and I’m 5 pounds down. It’s only re-lost weight, but still… it counts in a way. I’m back in the game and that’s the message.

Today is kicking my bootie. I’m so tempted to go off again. This is the moment again. It always comes back. Always another chance to do it differently. And that’s what I’m trying to do today… do it differently.
Later, I would be wishing I’d taken this time to reflect and not eat. For all the obvious reasons. I’m finally below my last weight. This is just the time to break new ground. It’s exactly when I go off. Don’t know why. It feels like I’m hungry. Like I’m just so stinking hungry. I want to scream, “I WANT CRACKERS!!!”
What a silly thing to scream.
It’s only hunger. Big deal.
I ended up eating meals closer together and now I have to just take it easy, one more little meal and a snack.
It’s only 3:30.
I can do it.
My other instinct is to start eating right now and keep going.
Yesterday and the day before the afternoons were especially hard too. And I did end up eating over on my carbs, I’m sure. I ate a full extra MF meal and yesterday even had an extra maintenance bar.
Still lost a bit though. Have to wonder how much more it might have been if I’d done it right.
Back where I’m at right now. I can still do it right to day.
So, I’m taking the time right now to try and shift my energy so that I’m not just obsessing about food.

I have to feed M. dinner soon and that’s a rough thing.

Try to keep busy.

I just want toast. And butter. Lots.

new territory in sight

Day four and I’m still on track. Slippery footing however.
I’m blogging simply so that I can stop thinking about eating. I just have one hour til next meal time.

I really think this eating every two hours thing is the way to go. It will be the way I stay at my goal when I get there.

Today I am learning to live with my hunger. I’m finally back at my pre-slip weight and it’s all new territory from here.
This is where I seem to weaken. Self sabatoge I suppose. Every time I’m about to break new ground a part of me wants to take a day off.

not today, dragon.

day one, again

I’m starting my Medifast plan again today in full force. My intention is to be more OP than I ever was and see what happens. I would love to break that 200 lb boundary by the end of the year. Christmas would be great, but may be a push. We’ll see.

Of course, anything will be welcome. I’m excited and hopeful about this next little chunk because I think I’ll really start to feel different and better.

I was off for most of two weeks but didn’t really gain, so that’s a success. And I am really ready to make the sacrifice of eating whatever I want for the result.

Today is difficult. But, I think I’ll finish it well.

arrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!

what the hell is going on with me?

I was so close to being through today successfully and then it all went to hell.

Of course I was fighting it all day. I’ve just been so hungry. There doesn’t seem to be a let up for some reason. I know I’m having something hormonal. I think I’m ovulating again (mid-cycle) and for some reason this is now a tough time like PMS, which will be next week.

So, I obviously can’t let this stuff derail me for two weeks every month. I have to power through it.

But now I’ve gone one day on one off for a week. I’m really thinking about just waiting until after Thanksgiving on thursday to get back on. But is that worth it? I don’t even care about Thanksgiving food and I’ll jsut feel crappy if I eat it.

I guess I’ll see how I feel in the morning. But really this can’t be a decision based on “feelings”. I have to make my decision and my committment and stick with it.

My Strategy:

Tomorrow (Wednesday) – Drink lots of water, Take my Herbs!, workout at least 45 minutes of cardio,

and beyond that, I’ll let you know tomorrow.